Death. I've been very innocent before about death. I just knew that when you die, you just stop living. I didn't know what feelings and other things lie between and on death. But now, I know...
Death, just like life, is broad. Some people die because of a disease. Some people die because of an attack. Some people die by not means of doing it. Some people die because of nature disaster. Some people die just to stop the pain. I never cared about death before. It never went through my mind until life, ironically, introduced it to me.
This is connected from my last posts, which is about my demons. That demons give me a massively struggle in life to the point I thought of this so called death. The pain that I always experience that time was horrible and unbearable sometimes. I already questioned life why I'm going through on such. I wanted to it to stop. I wanted to have a rest and badly, my demon whispers death.
Ironically, I don't want of death. I still wanted to experience more of the good side of life. I'm still thinking of the possibilities in the future of what will happen. And most especially and ironically, I'm scared of death for I didn't know where I'm going when I'm dead already. I know I'm a sinner and I'm sure I'm not going to heaven that easily. Thank goodness I still have my sane mind and I still have thought of that things. However, I was lost of option. I gave up. The pain was unbearable and everywhere I go, anything that I do, it haunts me like a ghost. My demons always whisper of it. And I wanted it to stop. I wanted it to end. I'm so done and had enough. And death was there as my choice.
But in spite of all the thoughts, I was never carried away. I guess I just didn't want to die, I just want the pain end. It's hard that all you can do is feel the pain and ask when it will stop. I just hoped it will however, the world is not a wish-granting factory.
Still, everyday is a battle. A battle between life and death. It is still not easy even though I'm recovering now. It will always be there however, I've learned and changed now, and I have God that what makes me able to continue in this life.