Every people has its weakness and demons inside. Some are just good at hiding it but everything of it has a limit. Everything of it will be visible as time goes by and breaks down whenever we can't handle it anymore. Lately, I met mine, my demons, my weaknesses and it's been a war. It's a battle between life and death.
These times when we met them, our demons are also the times where we know more ourselves one way or another. These may lead to good or bad effects but mostly it only got worse. The cause of getting this on worse instead of the better is when people thinking and dealing it in an easy way. They just taking it for granted or even they only ignore these situations that we should be focused on.
I'm not sharing this to get an attention or anything, I share this because I'm proud that somehow I went over this and I want to help others whose been struggling the same as me before. I experience this late 2013, November to be the exact month. It was a really hell feeling. Faking smiles whenever you see people, trying not to cry in public, and simply going on in life when all you wanted to do is to give up. I experience that much in depression, self-hate, low-esteem, self-harm, and eating disorder. I never told anyone except those deep and meaningful statuses and group messages that I sent that told my hidden feelings and agendas. By that, some of my close friends knew and caught their attentions but some just remained silent about it.
When they sensed that I'm doing self-harm (yes, I did but I'm now two months clean, thank God.) because they've seen also my blade, they caught the attention of our guidance counselor. The counselor told me that my friends did that and wanted to help me. In that week, I was on hopeful recovery and three days clean I think but then they did that, I'm back to zero again. My mind went loud again that it hurts and repeated what I am doing. Some of my friends even keep on cracking jokes about it, being like that and that even makes me worse. My mom didn't knew it all along also. I was very alone battling for life that time. It also hurts that much when anxiety and when I have a relapse that cutting was the only way to get that pain for some time, to keep me calm. I don't know but really, the pain in my heart goes away whenever I do that like the pain just transfers in my wrist. For the times I'm like that, all I can say is that was THE MOST HORRIBLE FEELING and as much as much possible I don't want to go back to that situation.
But first of all, what made me come this way? That was one day, I was been embarrassed in front of many people, the high school alumni of our school by our principal, through the microphone. Then when I get back in our classroom, I was thrown with some offensive words also by our teacher. I was tired that time. The whole 1st and a half of the second semester was been a struggle for me. I'm doing so hard in the school. I didn't even get back to the Top 10 honor list to my struggle and even tried having not enough of sleep for a whole week. THEN, NOTHING OF IT WAS CREDITED. I tried so hard to be good already for the school year for I was been ignoring school things before then this what I got. I know this may be 'mababaw' or just nothing but seriously, I got tired. Attention seeker it may be but just a little appreciation of my works is all I wanted and I got nothing. It's also hard to give efforts and not be recognized or just the efforts to be recognized. And from that day, I stopped. I stopped trying, I tried giving up, I became sad, I was drowning of my own self.
Bipolar washes through me as well. I remember hindering myself to be happy for I know whenever I get happy, there's always a bad situation going to happen. And again, it's so horrible and sad. For my third month, my anxiety gets worse. Whenever I get that, my mind gets blank and I keep on forgetting things. It hurts so much that I can't think. One thing gets through my mind that time, what if this gets worse and I forget already those big things or special things around me? It hurts so much. I can't even think. It's like people or even the world slipping through me and I can't do anything. However, someone helped me with the coping. I made him my inspiration to go on life, to drop those things though sometimes I still get relapse but I still try hard for him. However, I lost him. I lost him by out of love. And I'm not the kind of person who'll be chasing the other and be stupid for love. No, I wouldn't do that however, I tried even though I knew the risks I've been taking, still I fought for it, still I fought for him but then again, I failed. Everything was NOTHING again. I was used to have him and having him means falling things into places again but now that he's gone, I'm back again. Back to zero though I don't do self-harming but the anxiety, the relapse, the memory loss are there again.
The times when I had that someone, I can really I was happy. That was the time I appreciated HAPPINESS. That happiness even when you had a little of life, still it makes you appreciate. I learned so many lessons and philosophies in life. My pace in life changed, my vision in life changed. I'm still thankful to him that he taught me so many things like NEVER DEPEND YOUR HAPPINESS TO OTHERS, YOUR HAPPINESS IS YOUR OWN CHOICE and most especially, THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN LOVE. But now, I moved on, I've changed, and now I'm stronger.
New battles...
The battle in life still continues, the battle in school continues. Some of the days of battling, I wished I will get sick so that I'll get rest and they'll know that I'm really tired already because being strong, sometimes people would just think that you are even though you are not ALREADY. That's why I tried skipping meals and never take my vitamins. It was still a hell feeling. Now, I've been dealing chest pains, panic attacks, sleeping disorder, and eating disorder. Also, my memory loss is getting worse. It doesn't hurt anymore but it just lose by itself. I even forget names already. Sometimes, I just can't think whenever my head still hurts. I even stopped writing articles because I know it would take a greater force for my mind to think the exact and excellent words and it would just severely hurt so I just avoided it for some time even though I always wanted to write. I also even stop reading these past few days to avoid dealing with the emotion within a story that gives me a hard time with my heart and the anxiety that washes through me is also severe. I've keep avoiding things that I love that ironically, it hurts me also and it's damn hard. It damn hurts. My mom always scold me also. She just don't understand that sometimes I just can't do things because of these anxieties and relapses. I wanted to visit a doctor though we can't because no budget but hopefully I can so that they'll understand me.
Inevitable...
The picture above was grabbed on Tumblr. This is my favorite post so far. This means so much a lot. And here's my opinion about this: MENTAL ILLNESS AND DISORDERS are never been the fault of one's patient. It is due to his interactions within the surroundings. It involves the feelings of one's patient and his chemical imbalance and malfunctions in his brain. It's hard to deal with such and no one ever wants to have it and by means of doing it. It is inevitable or unavoidable. All we could do is to help one's patient to cope and try to learn and change the world's or even one self's point of view and pace in life to have a harmonious future life. It also tackles about how society gone far nowadays. Yes, we are also part of it but most of us didn't know what they are doing and chose being rude to others that led to these disorders. We need to help one another, we don't have anyone who could help us but just ourselves and other people. Don't be an ignorant to these situations for we are needed to see and help others or even save them from the suffrage of death. Again, NEVER BLAME SOMEONE HAVING SUCH MENTAL ILLNESS OR DISORDER, IT IS NEVER BEEN AN EASY FIGHT AND NO ONE EVER WANTED IT.
With the experience I have because of this, my understanding, consideration, and patience to other people was strengthen or even was grown. I've learned that we need to understand one's story before we judge why he's doing things. Somehow, it's an eye opener for me of what's really life. I think it's just a way of God preparing me for other big battles that are coming for me. What I just don't like about it is when people judge you when you have these situations like they're weirding out or they won't like you anymore. They won't just understand. It's not just that easy because everyday of your life, it will kill you. It may be off sometimes but surely, it will always go back.
This is also the cause of my depression sometimes. The thought of your problem is just easy and some people have it worse than yours. Big or small, it is a problem and we need it to solve it, A.S.A.P.
I will end this by sharing a quote that I got from a Wattpad story that I've rea. It says: "It would be more burden without Him." and yes, it will if you'll not run back and talk to him. Whoever your gods may be (that I believe, everyone has the same, the recognition and beliefs just differ.), it's really better to surrender yourself to Him and everything will follows no matter what happen. Just trust Him with all your heart and He will assure you. Hopefully, you learn something from this post. This is been my climax so hopefully you like it. I will post something about dealing death and life and when I was left to choose between them on the next post in this blog. :) x